Coffee Chats with Haylee’ndStu

Tell us a bit about yourself;

Hi, we’re Haylee and Stu, and we live in sunny Western Australia. We’re both in our thirties, we’ve been together since 2002, married since 2005, and have a couple of kids. Neither of us are party animals, but we do like to socialise, and host get togethers. We’re both bisexual, and neither of us are opposed to a little exhibitionism.

We’re outdoorsy and adventurous at heart, and W.A. is the perfect setting for people like us: We’ll jump in the car, pick a direction, and drive until we find something new and exciting to try out. A lot of visitors to Perth comment on how quiet it is, but there’s plenty of excitement to be found if you give it a try.

Do you identify as non-monogamous? Share your journey with us;

We’d say we’re monogamous, but with a safety net. We have a committed relationship, and neither of us has ever seen a reason to go behind the other’s back. We neither own nor try to control each other, but we both choose not to do anything that could harm our relationship. No one’s getting in trouble over a drunken kiss in the mosh pit or a grind on the dance floor, and for anything more serious, we communicate first. It saves listing rules and lets that good old common-sense reign supreme. The only rule we do have is that our bedroom is a safe zone: There’s no guilt, judgement or apologies allowed in there, between ourselves or invited guests.

With us both being bi, we know there’s certain needs we just can’t directly meet for each other. We sometimes have very different tastes in partners, so, while our preference is for playing together with other, usually bi couples, there’s times when separate play is the only way.

We were swinging before we were married, and our journey has paralleled our relationship. When we’re solid, and our sex life is strong, we have a lot more interactions with people outside our relationship. When we’ve gone through a rough patch, or during and after Haylee’s pregnancies, we’ve had less sex together, and that’s been mirrored in our play with others. Given we mostly play with people we already know well, there’s rarely any confusion about whether we’re looking to play. As of last November, we both had medical procedures to prevent further pregnancies. Haylee’s since gone permanently off the pill, with a noticeable increase in sex drive.

One surprising development along the way is that we’re both becoming more hetero’. Before we got together, we’d both had more same-sex partners than opposite. Whether it’s the circles we move in now, or a genuine shift in sexual orientation, we both seem to be having more hetero’ encounters.

What was the biggest hurdle for you joining the LS and why?

• What has changed since then?

We disagreed on this one.

Haylee: We’ve always played outside what I see as the lifestyle. I think we’re new to the lifestyle, as we haven’t been to clubs and events, and have only just started looking at the organised aspects of it. My biggest obstacle is my mum-bod and self-confidence.

Stu: I think we’ve always been in the lifestyle, and neither of us had any obstacles to joining; we just jumped in and went for it. Being an open and loving couple, not to mention bisexual, we’ve never been in the closet about anything we do and have never had trouble finding people to play with. Ok, that sounds cocky. I just mean we’re approachable if people are interested and no one’s surprised if we do the approaching.

Since having children, we’ve found that’s a huge hurdle. We tend to have more vanilla friends these days, and only a fraction of the time we once had. Throw in unreliable babysitters and some of the bugs the kids have brought home, and cancellations are becoming a little too common. It’s not insurmountable, but it does mean more work to make play happen. Aside from that, body-image is a much bigger issue for both of us since having kids. We’ve got mum and dad bods now and it can be a little nerve wracking taking our clothes off with new people. Podcasts have been a mixed blessing there, with plenty of positive commentary on how accepting everyone is, followed by episodes dedicated to how you should look to fit in. At the end of the day, we’ve always got each other, and anyone who wants to join us is icing on the cake.

How do you think the LS will be approached by society in years to come?

• How do you think we can help society accept us more?

There’s an obvious taboo fascination with the lifestyle amongst those on the outside. There’s the TV show that everyone knows, but no one admits watching. There’s the club that everyone has heard of, but no one’s visited. As with all things in the internet age, there’s a mountain of information out there for people to sift through instead of having to try the real thing. If we can influence those information sources positively, that’s a good method for lifting the lifestyles public image. Keeping it classy and being as inclusive as possible can help too, along with open and honest communication when outsiders ask questions.

Have you been to any LS events? What makes a great LS event?

We’ve not been to any formal events so far. We could be tempted to try any event that’s genuinely inclusive. We see the lifestyle as a celebration of everyone’s unique brand of sexy, so why not embrace it and enjoy the wild ride?

What is your favourite sex position and why?

Haylee’s cervix is tilted the opposite way so some positions can be tricky. Pillows are a staple in most of our play. For Haylee, Cowgirl’s really hitting the spot now, and it leaves our hands free for other things. Stu likes prone-bone (which really needs rebranding), as it’s easy to vary with pillows and is great for closeness at the climax. It’s a great position for anal too. Throw in a wand or a g-spot vibe, and we’re good for the night.

Do you have any resources or recommendations for people in the LS to check out? (Blogs, Posts, Articles, Sites, Books, Podcasts etc)

We’re both in agreement with regards to our favorite Podcast: Swinging Out West. J and S were a great resource when we started looking at the more organised version of the lifestyle. And they’re from W.A. so they’re automatically better. Swinging Downunder do a great newsletter, as you presumably know, but their podcast is a great resource too. C and D’s globetrotting antics have proper international appeal and there’s 100+ hours of free, high quality content. Score! Stu’s working through Normalising Non-Monogamy now, and it’s getting a big tick. We happily recommend podcasts by BedhoppersUK, By-the-Bi, and Room 77, each covering different aspects of the lifestyle in entertaining ways.

Reddit is generally good for everything, ever, but Swinging for Dummies is specifically worth a shout out. RedHotPie is a good resource too, even though we’re not members. Gasp You can access their forums without signing up, and if you have a question that hasn’t been asked there, it’s probably not lifestyle related. You can sign up and meet people on there too, apparently. Last, but certainly not least, Matt and Bianca at everybodyswing.com are well worth checking out (and so’s their website).

We’re Haylee’ndStu (@HNdstu) on Twitter, and if you want to say, “Hi”, or ask any questions, we’d be glad to make your acquaintance.