Yesterday I was a Wanker…. reflections of Mr H
This article was written by Mr H from the Bed Hoppers Podcast, thank you for sharing your thoughts and inner most ramblings!
We’ve been on this journey for a while now. I’m not sure we can call ourselves noobs, newbies or green any more.
It’s been an amazing voyage, full of adventures, new friends and new experiences, with plenty of opportunities to test our boundaries too. We’ve launched a lifestyle podcast (always be promoting, look us up – it’s called bed hoppers), visited plenty of clubs across the UK and even traveled to Mexico to sample some of Desire Resorts delights.
Mrs H and I have always shared an incredible bond and that’s only gotten stronger with every step we’ve taken. But there’s something on my mind that I’d like to get off my chest. Or maybe there’s something on my chest that I’d like to get off my mind. Either way, let’s cut to the chase.
My name is Mr H, and I am an emotional over thinker.
There. I said it. If you listen to our show, and I hope you do, you’ll know a little bit about this. You’ll know that I like to ‘Batman’ my way through every situation. That means thinking it through, looking at every possible outcome and working out how I’d react.
Mr and Mrs H of the Bed Hoppers Podcast can be found on iTunes, Stitcher, Podbean. Check them out as they share their journey and talk about Swinging in the UK.
They’re always introspective about their journey and share some real life examples where things can go sideways.
Why do I do this?
It’s because I’m an emotional fella at heart. I wear my heart on my rolled up sleeves. By thinking everything (and I do mean everything) through in advance, I can keep my emotions in check. I do that because as much as I love my wife and love seeing her have fun, it’s not very difficult for me to feel jealous or left out. And the second that happens, this whole adventure stops being fun for me.
It’s happened more than once. Mid play sessions. On dates. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’ve felt this way until I sit back and reflect on it after the moment. Over thinker. Told you.
So, if I’m so emotional, why take part? Well, I love the adventure. I adore the friends we’ve made. The thrill of the chase, the feel of being desired and the nuts and bolts of the physical (I know, I know – I’m a romantic at heart). More than anything though, I love that chance to reconnect with Mrs H and come (quite literally) back together, stronger than ever.
When I listen to other shows and talk to other men in the lifestyle, I get the impression that they are all significantly more advanced than I. And I’m more than aware of the irony of this coming from a forty something man-who still plays video games and has a collection of Transformers (maybe there is more than meets the eye to me?). It often feels that the need to understand how you’ll feel – or sometimes the need to build an emotional connection with your play partners – isn’t there with the other fellas.
They all seem to rock up, often without a care in the world, and get on with it. I see it in the way they all seem to be fine with sharing their wife with another man or woman. The way that they see no problems with introducing single men into their relationship dynamics. Or are happy for the ladies to have at it for a while. It leaves me feeling positively luddite and not the progressive chap I am in my own head.
Yes, that’s right – even the idea of Mrs H playing with another woman doesn’t really do very much for me. Sure, I love to see her have fun – but there’s always something in the back of my head. Is it fairness? Is it a fear of being left out? Is it a deep spark of not being worthy enough? Or am I just selfish – if I’m not involved then what’s in it for me?
This goes right back to our first tentative steps. Our very first meet was with a unicorn – and you know what? I was dreading it. The idea of seeing my precious wife with anyone else frightened me to death. I’ve moved on since then (well, a little). I can step back a little. I can be ok with not being 100% involved (for an incredibly short period of time). But there are still twinges of emotion, of being left out – of not being on an equal playing field.
It’s not a journey I’ve heard often though – the man of the relationship not being interested in seeing his other half with another woman. Most seem to find it a turn on and would gladly run with the opportunity. With couples I find the experience less frightening – we’re normally both involved, both receiving attention and frequently all in a big play pile.
I wonder if it’s the value that I place on our relationship that means I’m less open to what I perceive to be risks. Not to say that others place less value on their own relationships. I know that Mrs H and I had to fight incredibly hard to be together in the first place – and perhaps that informs the way I consider these risks and adventures.
Fairness plays a part on my journey too. I like things to be fair, to be equal. And sometimes my path through this lifestyle is only possible with a level of balance. You get yours, I get mine – all is good. It can sometime feel like an incredibly immature solution to an incredibly mature adventure.
But why bring this up now?
A number of recent adventures have tested my approach. From the one single guy experience to the moment where a lady pulled my wife to the side for some alone time – they’ve added to my current overthinking. There’s a plethora of opportunities that may arise this year too – and they are playing on my mind. We talk a lot though, which helps.
We’ve started talking more about Mrs H exploring her bi-side but trying to do so in a way where I don’t feel left out or don’t crumble in a sea of insecurity and so on. With the forthcoming Desire trip and Pendulum party, for example – there could be a real opportunity for Mrs H to dive in – but to me it feels very much like separate (or separate room play) – and that’s always been something that we’ve been incredibly wary of.
Of course, these are just thoughts that have been meandering around in my head – and now they are laid bare on paper (if you print this out). Maybe the whole world of opportunity is simply too much for me to get my head around right now – and I just need time to adjust my Neanderthal approach?
So, what should I learn from this indulgently self reflective prose?
Maybe I should learn to relax and go with the flow more. Which is such a strange thing for me to say. Those that know me in my more regular life might say I thrive on chaos and the roll of the dice. That I’m random and that planning (outside of work) is one of my more natural enemies (along with sweetcorn and desiccated coconut).
Perhaps it’s that I should really relish in the joy of our adventures and friends and try not to over-think it. Just get on the rollercoaster and appreciate the ride, rather that standing around in the queue worried about what I might or might not experience (and now I really want to go to a theme park).
I’m conscious that I need to evolve. Actually, strike that. I feel that I should evolve. That I should be a better person. A better swinger. A better husband and that this might be one of those times where I need to man-up. My motto, and this is genuinely true, is that yesterday I was a wanker – today I will be better. And never for me, has my motto been more pertinent.
And maybe, just maybe, by committing it all to paper (or email) it will help me focus on being just that – better.
Afterword’s
Thanks for sticking with me on this rather long ramble. It really is a spaffing up of words on a page that have been jumbled around in my head. If it’s not coherent, I’m sorry. Thoughts? Comments or even some alignment? Get in touch with us at bedhoppersuk@gmail.com – I can’t promise my reply will be this long – but we will reply. Honest.
Mr and Mrs H will be joining the LIfe On The Swingset Crew in November at Desire Riviera Maya and are heading down to Australia (Sydney and Perth) to visit friends and check out the local LS clubs including Our Secret Spot in Sydney.