Are you coming out out? Post by Mr H
You’ve probably thought about it before, asked the question of yourself and possibly your spouse… maybe even discussed it on LS dates.
No, it’s not the answer to life, the universe and everything. Instead it’s ‘Should we come out?’. Mr H from Bed Hoppers Podcast shares his thoughts and current conundrums here.
Thanks Mr H for sharing, if you want to check out the Bed Hoppers Podcast you can find them on Podbean.
Are you coming out out?
We recently talked about a little situation in Mrs H’s work (you know, on our podcast, bed hoppers). It seems that a number of rumours were circulating that she was in the lifestyle and lived a life of adventure and naughtiness.
It caused us a number of worries. Mrs H was concerned about her reputation at work, granted – but our first instincts? To make sure people understood the community in the right light. To educate and inform. And, if we were really lucky, to make some new listeners – just kidding, honest.
How did we handle it?
We figured the best way forward – with help from friends, listeners and some mild divination – would be to be open and honest with people that asked. Did anyone ask? Not really. But it’s a step, right?
Mrs H also started to open up to trusted friends about our life in non-monogamy. I think after her recent revelation that everyone on Twitter must be a celebrity, she’s actually looking to show everyone how famous she is – but I really can’t back that up.
So far folks have responded really positively. And I guess after you’ve told other family, friends and the postman things do become a little easier. But why tell them at all? After all part of the fun is having a naughty little secret and a mysterious wink when someone asks us what we did over the weekend.
There are a couple of reasons that spring to mind. First up is that we like being honest and open with people. Those who know me, or even those that just listen to the show, will get that I like to share how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. With that comes a willingness to share everything in my brain. Secondly, we want to create a better understanding of the lifestyle and do what we can to improve the community.
It’s one of the reasons we started our show (it’s called bed hoppers, did we mention it?). We want to do our bit to normalise non-monogamy (he says, referencing another podcast – go check ‘em out too). We’d like to remove some of the stigma of swinging and show that ordinary folks can be part of it and have fun and create stronger relationships too.
And we’re starting to think that it’s much easier to do those things by being more honest with our friends, colleagues and family. Plus – what’s the point of having a podcast and merch’ if you can’t brag about it endlessly to them?
But it’s not just Mrs H that’s had a work related journey.
Earlier this month, at a team building event, it somehow all cropped up in conversation with my work colleagues. Well, there’s nothing like a cocktail or two to make you feel brave – so I told them about our alternative lifestyle and our show.
Their reaction? I don’t think they were particularly shocked – but they did have an endless supply of questions. Again, my first instinct was to paint our approach in the most positive light possible – explaining the benefits and talking openly and honestly.
So far, their reactions haven’t changed our relationships – or how they work with me. It’s early days still but, even though it’s just a small number of people, I feel incredibly liberated.
What does all of this rambling nonsense mean?
I think we’re on a precipice. A moment, if you will. We’re beginning to think seriously about coming out completely – and I mean that with no disrespect intended to anyone who has literally come out about their sexuality, gender and more.
We’ve seen a number of friends make the switch to being out – and in various different ways too. Using their real names. Showing their faces. Telling their manager.
Of course, this could bring with it a number of risks and benefits. Careers could be limited, friends could disappear (because they don’t agree with our lifestyle not because Thanos snapped his fingers), lifestyle friends could see us a flight risk and more. People could also see my face and run for the hills (nodding in agreement that, yes, I have a face for radio).
The flip side is that we would no longer have to worry about revealing things, Cate will no longer need to edit saying my name out in any SDU shows I appear in and rumour control may no longer be an issue – if they want to know more, here’s our business card. Things like YouTube videos become much more of an option and I can draw less pictures of us and use the real deal instead. Granted these are minor things but still…
So where does this all leave us?
We think coming out is the right thing to do. We haven’t really figured when and how. It feels like it should be a gradual process. We don’t feel pressured to do it – but we need to do it our way – just as every couple needs to work together to find the best way forward for them.
We know it’s on the cards. Our Twitter pics are showing more and more of us. We’re less worried about revealing information about ourselves. And we’re slowly starting to tell more people about our life at home. We’re talking to friends who have made similar transitions – taking notes and learning from their experiences. Baby steps but important moves none the less.
And, as ever, we’ll let you know how it goes.
PS – Confused about the title? Out out is a popular phrase meaning are you coming out to party, normally associated with being out on the town. Not just outside. Out Out.