Communication Gone Wrong

Swinging Lifestyle Communication, what happens when it goes wrong? It happens to the best of us and here’s when I had it wrong and how I tried to fix it

Ever heard of the word Seppuku? What about harakiri…

It’s an old Japanese word for falling on your sword, basically used by samurai when they wanted to restore honor for themselves or their families. The general idea being it’s better to die on your sword with honor rather than falling into the hands of the enemy.

This is how I’m looking at communication failures as I think back on my time in New Orleans and my time in the lifestyle over the past 4 years.

There have been a few times when communication wasn’t done well (we’re only human) however they were small challenges, nothing that a quick chat couldn’t overcome. However, when something gets really f**ked up, sometimes it’s best to just die on your sword (so to speak). Be up front, own your s**t and tell the person/people how you messed up and what it has meant to you.

“Be up front, own your s**t and tell the person/people how you messed up and what it has meant to you”

So, what is good and what is bad communication? Most of you will know these from school, work life or just being a human…

Good communication

• Listening
• Empathy
• Encouraging
• Body language

Bad communication

• Interruptions
• Multitasking
• Selfishness
• Emotional

One of my problems is that I try to multitask, I think I handle it well, but I just don’t. Sometimes I’ll be pulled away from conversation or my mind will wander, I won’t have my head in the game and then it can cause the other person/people to feel less ‘worthy’.

Another known issue for D and I is that we have a bad habit of interrupting. Although conversation generally flows when someone has something to add to the conversation this isn’t always a healthy way to approach communication. If you let this habit go too far you can be one of ‘those’ people who are perceived as needing all the attention. The cause of my interruptions is twofold, I get excited AND I have a poor memory. If I don’t get that comment out of my body now, it might be lost forever. If the conversation doesn’t become one sided, this generally isn’t too much of an issue.

When you f**k up!

“Just own your shit… nothing else to it” ~ Cate

Might sound simple right? Don’t be fooled, just because you’re prepared to fall on your sword it doesn’t mean that the person on the receiving end is ready to accept and forgive. That is up to them, perhaps time will help, continued discussion may also allow you to move past the issue. At the end of the day they may choose to forgive you, or they may not, that is their prerogative.

You cannot force forgiveness; they must choose that of their own accord and yes it could go pear shaped and suck but that’s what owning your s**t means.

If this happens to you, I’d say approach the person directly (better if you can do this face-to-face) and just talk it through, be vulnerable, share what happened and that you are remorseful. Give them the respect they deserve by attempting to fix the issue but also give them respect in knowing that sometimes it cannot be fixed.

If you cannot chat face to face, I’d suggest sending a message that you’d like to talk, just get it out. Allow them to reply and listen to them, don’t constantly make excuses and let them poke and prod you if necessary. Sympathize with the issue; consider how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end… not great I’d imagine.  

What if it cannot be fixed?

Sadly, move on, perhaps your paths will cross again, maybe not. The most important thing is to not talk poorly about them or the situation to anyone in the lifestyle, this is a small community and whilst your situation may have been undesirable that might not be the case with other interactions.

I hope this has helped you to think about communication a little more broadly, thank you as always for reading my blog.

If you have any communication f**k up stories, please reach out and share them with us on candd@swinigngdownunder.com

Yours in horrible flirting and communication,

xx

C