Finding Jeni; A lifestyle story
This is the story of JENI and we couldn’t be more humbled to share this with all of you. Reading through this I am feeling a mix of emotions, mostly, I’m empowered. Empowered by the fact that some may find our relationships outside the societal norm but with the below support and metamorphosis how could we be wrong?
Thank you, JENI, I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I did, we want to personally thank you for your courage in sharing this with us.
Disclaimer: please note that this writing may contain triggers to sexual abuse survivors.
I stand at my desk wondering how to start this conversation. Do I start at the happy part or do we do this like counselling and start with the back story? We all belong to this super-secret club that allows us to be raw, vulnerable and real. Well here we go…….
My name is Jeni, When I was growing up, I was the middle child raised by a drug addicted mother and a very absent and abusive father. At age 12 my mom who for all her faults loved us and did the best the drugs allowed her to do, was arrested for possession and selling of cocaine. She spent 6 years in prison which had me, my sister and brother move in with our Grandma. Where I learned my value and self-worth where tied up in having sexual counters with older boys.
I wasn’t the pretty one nor the smart one. I was the one who took the blame and world on my shoulders. At 17 years old I had run away and went to a party, got drunk and was raped. Which in a very odd way saved my life. I realized a few months later I was pregnant, I had a wakeup call. I had a come to Jesus moment where I needed to get my life together. I did not want to become my mom. I kept my baby, got a job and ended up marrying my (at the time) boss. I am a great mom. In being a mom, I had my kids to hide behind. I did not need to take care of myself. I could be a full-time mom without ever dealing with the real me. I felt lost, I didn’t know what my life should hold, I was craving, fast forward 17 years.
At 34 I started craving more, I started having urges and needed more. I looked in the mirror and was 342 lbs and had no idea who I was. I was a mom, a wife and that was all. I was not Jeni, I had no name besides mom. I wanted so much more. I asked my husband (whom I liked but didn’t love) for a divorce, I moved out and went on a self-adventure of learning Jeni.
Fast forward 3 months. I was heading into an art fair, the first time I went by myself to anything. I walked in and saw the man who would change my very fibre of being, Sebastian. This man flirted and awakened something in me that I never knew was there. I was shy with him, yet slowly gaining confidence. We became friends and after a few months, he asked if he could spank me.
“He said I was being a “bad girl”. Those words changed everything in me”
I had borrowed a jacket and didn’t want to return it. He said I was being a “bad girl”. Those words changed everything in me. For the first time in a very very long time I felt alive. I allowed him to spank me. We entered a new part of our relationship, I thought I was living, I thought that this was the best thing in the world. How wrong I was.
Sebastian taught me so much, I was his submissive. We had what I thought was a very magical relationship, I ignored the red flags; I didn’t work on me and once again didn’t have a name. I was Daisy, I was what Sebastian wanted, the perfect submissive. I didn’t mind the other women, I wasn’t questioning the lies I knew he told, I allowed myself to hide in the submissiveness of being his toy.
In 2015 I was spiralling out of control, I was the lowest weight I had ever been as an adult (138lbs), but I wasn’t me. I was seeing my kids, but I was so damn lost. I looked in the mirror and had another come to Jesus with myself. Was I healthy?
I started to ask, “how do I become Jeni”, I started finding myself, I started my self-journey. I took off the self-blinders and looked at what I needed to become Jeni.
Why did I jump from one unhealthy relationship to another? Why did I allow myself to be lied to?
After a very nasty fight Sebastian and I had, my life changed! Sebastian made a choice to take his own life, he was very very unhealthy. I had a choice to wake the fuck up and take control of my mental health or to die along with him. Sebastian died 1/12/2016 on 1/14/16 I enrolled myself in intensive outpatient treatment.
Therapy was/is hard. Unmasking yourself, taking a deep look to the why’s of who you are. Asking the questions only you can answer. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and to be proud. I had never been proud before of myself.
Part of finding myself was answering the questions. I am submissive, I very very much enjoy sex, I enjoy pain. Did that make me sick or unhealthy. I chose to dig deep and see if that is part of the real me or another escape. I can honestly say after years of therapy this is what I’ve learned.
Every day I make a choice to be mentally healthy and put myself first, in doing so I am able to be more. I am able to be Jeni. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the last 43 years is that. When I choose to be healthy and put myself first. I can and want to give more to others. I am the best version if myself.
As a healthy Me, I am able to be a true partner. I am able to love myself, I am able to love completely. I am able to say yes to the things I truly want to and to say no when I need to.
I recently got married to Cory, who values health. Who insists on staying mentally healthy. Who challenges me and pushes me to be the best of myself. As he pushes himself to be the very best, he can be. We vowed to always put our own mental health first. With or without Cory, I will continue my mental health journey, that being said I am so very thankful that my journey has allowed me to meet and marry my very best friend.
I made a choice to become JENI. After three years of learning who I am, I can tell you who Jeni is today.
My name is Jeni, I am submissive, I am a mom, I am a newlywed, I am a swinger, I am capable of so much love and I am worthy of love.
In the last three years, I have worked damn hard to become Jeni, myself. I can look in the mirror and be so happy, right now, weight wise I’m a healthy 165lbs.
The lifestyle is so much a part of me, I struggled with accepting that it was okay to be just me. Being in the LS allows me to be real, to be genuine and to have an outlet. Being a submissive in my marriage allows me to feed a part of myself, allows me to be naughty and safe. Being a swinger allows me to be flirty and gentle, the LS has and is a part of my journey. I am so very thankful that I get to stop hiding from myself, I get to be part of this group, I am proud to say that I am the very best and healthy Jeni.