Taking One For The Team
Do Swingers take one for the team? What if you don’t find a 4-way connection in the Swinging Lifestyle? How do you manage it?
“We Never Take One for the Team”
(Except for 60% of the time….)
Welcome to the ‘Shit Swingers Say Series’ (or Quadruple S’s for short). In this blog I’m digging deep down to cut through the BS and understand what ‘Taking one for the team’ really means.
This post is accompanied by a Podcast on the same topic, we debate if swingers take one for the team.
Have you read this term before on a swingers dating site? Heard couples say it at a meet and greet? Perhaps even used it yourself and all the while…. You may be taking one for the team.
We took to twitter to find out what people thought, and it appears over 60% of respondents said they had taken one for the team sexually.
Let me preface this with the fact that I’m not talking about sexual activity that is not permitted, wanted or would be considered sexual abuse.
First let’s take the time to define this so we’re on the same page…. Thank you to the Wiki Gods;
This was one of the few definitions I could find that didn’t include taking a chick home you were disgusted in. I thought it was balanced enough except for ‘sacrifice’ as that seemed too heavy for this chat.
Before the lifestyle I would have agreed with the above definition having done this myself once before during a night out clubbing. My friend wanted to hook up with a hot guy in a club, I got lumped with his mate, not ideal but that was me ‘taking one for the team’. With a greater understanding of self and my relationship and what compersion means to me I’m beginning to question if this notion of unfair play is sensible in the lifestyle.
Can I honestly sit here and say that there was always a time that I was 100% engaged and ‘in’ with a couple or single we’ve been with? No, I can’t, and I wouldn’t lie to you. I’ve been with couples, groups and people who I am 80% of the way there with. You might be gasping at me for admitting this and you might ask “how can you do that to yourself?!” but hear me out.
I love the lifestyle; I think that it gives us a freedom to be who we want to be in a (mostly) non-judgmental tribe. I have made amazing friends, traveled the world, been to great resorts, hosted parties and yes had some fantastic SEX. This doesn’t mean that I’m all in, all the time.
Let’s take the elusive 4-way connection for example, it is almost impossible to be 100% 4-way, they are out there but they are rare as rocking horse poo. When we make a connection with the couple and either the HIM/HER of the couple isn’t exactly what I’m after I am still likely to brush that aside for what could be an amazing pants on and off relationship. Do I need them to be everything for me? No, I have D and myself for that.
I can honestly say however that for 99% of our encounters we have had a good time and I regret nothing (the only exception was the time in Singapore when I was literally knitting a fucking sweater but that’s another story).
When D and I are enjoying the company of another couple or single and I notice that he has a great connection with the lady and I’m so-so but happy with the guy we may still have some fun together. Granted it might not be a long-term relationship or repeat fun but could be hot enough in the moment.
So perhaps it’s time to redefine it (not that that LS needs anymore labels), the next time someone asks me about my preference I have a new response. I’m going to instead say that I’m up for fun, happy and sexy memories and I know myself well enough to know what that looks like in the moment and make a judgement call.
Have you got a story you’d like to share about ‘taking one for the team’ please send us an email on email@example.com
Yours in being a team player…
A Note from D
I like boobs, seriously, I do….
There have been many times that I have been in a situation with Cate where I am taking one for the team – when talking in the strictest sense. There are many men and ladies that I have not been fully engaged with however C was aligned with the night and happy to have a little fun. Combine that with Singapore being a small subset of the LS community and sometimes you must have a fun LS experience when it becomes available to you.
Like all things in life it is never easy to find perfection in a relationship, that’s why we hold onto the ones we find with gusto! If you can apply the Pareto principal to the lifestyle (like most things in life) and find that it works, then you are getting good bang for your buck. If you apply it an it does not work, then you must change what you are doing or risk the fun and sanity of your partner.
With this in mind I am getting to the point where Singapore is not offering the 80% chance of finding a three- or four-way bond. I think that pulling back from what we are seeing here is a good option as I don’t want to settle for what is not appropriate for either of us. We should never have to think ‘I could do better’.
Mostly I agree with what Cate has covered above, but it comes a time where it no longer works and that is when we all must make the decision that is right for us.
I still like boobs,