Coffee Chats with Osa242
Tell us a bit about yourself;
Most would know us as u/Osa242 on Reddit. We’ve been active on there for 2 plus years and a moderator of r/swingers for the past year. Most of the writing on there is me, but from time to time Mrs Osa will chime in. It’s a true story that the account was originally her’s that I slowly took over.
We’re a married couple in their late 30’s from New England.
We have been together since high school- have celebrated our relationship being old enough to drink! For me I think that is a huge reason why this works for us. I know Mr. Osa is my person, and I have no doubts about our relationship. We have been through it all together, grown and changed in the same direction. I am no where near the same person that I was when we met- but he knows all of me (the good, the great, the bad and the ugly) and has been there for and with me every step of the way.
Do you identify as non-monogamous? Share your journey with us;
I would say Monogamish. Our journey started with a long time running joke (at least 10 year running joke) from Mr. about having a 3some with another female. We would watch Cathouse on HBO together, had a girl all picked out! Watched the show Swingtown when it was on one summer- but this was years before we actually talked about trying anything in reality.
About 5 years ago, one of my best friends (she likes to be called Chocolate Chip, takes offense to Vanilla) had gone to a strip club with her husband and a group of their friends. It sounded interesting, and like it was a good time as she was telling me. It definitely got me thinking…I told Mr. Osa I wanted to go to a strip club. I had never done anything with a woman and I wanted to see how I would feel with another woman myself and how I would feel with another woman around Mr. Osa. We finally picked a night and I quickly discovered that I not only liked it- I was turned on by it. After that we went to the strip club as our big night out for awhile.
Eventually we found a Unicorn that was awesome. She had experience being a 3rd which I think helped with the first time nerves. We hung out with her for a good 6 months or so until her situation changed and she started dating. Once that happened I started looking into swing clubs in the area and floated the idea to Mr. Osa as maybe a way to find another unicorn. Once we started meeting people in the community and found that there were many just like us- we found that we have just as much fun with couples and it is a totally different dynamic and awesome when you all click!
Monogamish is my favorite word to describe our relationship. Emotional monogamous; physically non-monogamous. We operate as a team, always together and always for the benefit of us collectively.
Our journey since that start has been a wild ride. We’ve done everything from a one night hookup to an essentially exclusive relationship with a couple over a year and a half. That ended badly and is a huge story too big for this newsletter! But, we learned lessons to take away from that. We’ve found that we enjoy a good middle ground of friends with benefits.
We also discovered that we really enjoy the lifestyle scene. We’re members at Choice Social Club in Providence RI. We have attended a number of hotel takeover parties. We love the community feel that our area has generated.
What was the biggest hurdle for you joining the LS and why?
- What has changed since then?
Two things- having the picture of the stereotypical swinger (with a pornstach in your head) and being VERY shy!
Getting over the first was easy! Once we actually started meeting people and seeing how “normal” and just like us they were changed that quickly. The people we have meet are amazing! The community is so open, and friendly.
The second I would say is still a work in progress. In the beginning we would be at a party, and see a couple that we both wanted to talk to. We would spend the whole night saying, no you go talk to them! (And leave at the end of the night, never having talked to them because neither one of us would make the first move.) I have had to step WAY out of my comfort zone to go up to people. I have gotten better at it, however I still seriously hate every second of it!
We always say, if we had discovered it earlier in life, we wouldn’t have been ready. Our relationship wouldn’t have been ready. Our self confidence wouldn’t have been ready. We always say we discovered all this at just the right point in life for us. I’m really glad we had no idea about it before then.
How do you think the LS will be approached by society in years to come?
- How do you think we can help society accept us more
I feel like over the last 5 years it has become more mainstream, TV shows, documentary specials, a local radio station has talked about it because a DJ there went to Hedo. However, do I only notice it more now because I am listening for it?
Oh boy… I have some mixed feelings on this one. On one hand, I’d love to live free of the fear that our personnel or professional lives could be affected by being “outed”. On the other hand, I kind of like that this is a fairly secret community. I feel like if it goes too mainstream, way too many folks that have no business trying it out, will because it’s the trendy thing to do. That will only bring drama and negative attention to the lifestyle. The barrier of entry is pretty good right now. You need to go searching for it. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.
But, if we’re going to “normalize non-monogamy” (see what I did there? Shout out to the Normalize Non-Monogamy podcast. Good stuff!), we need to pull plays from the LGBT playbook. Drop fun and funny scenarios into sitcoms. We need our “Will and Grace”. Drop in working non-monogamous relationships into movies and tv shows that aren’t strictly about being non-monogamous. Show it working. Right now, the only stories hollywood generates for the lifestyle include drama. I mean, I get it. If it’s a story about non-monogamy alone, it’s not really interesting to show it all working with no conflict. It doesn’t make a very good show. But if you can show it being normal in secondary storylines much like hollywood did for the LGBT community, it could start to shift the public perception.
I’m not going to hold my breath, though. Unlike LGBT, swinging and non-monogamy will likely always be viewed as a choice, not a function of biology. I know some argue that they are wired to be non-monogamous, and they may be. But that’s a long, uphill battle to shift the general thinking there.
Have you been to any LS events? Share your best and worst stories.
We’ve been to quite a few events over the past 4 plus years. Most of the big events have been Share Nation events in Rhode Island. We typically try to make those. They’re weekend long (or more) events at a hotel just outside of Providence. They’ve grown from a single floor of the hotel to entire hotel takeovers.
For me, my most memorable one was a bad situation that we quickly turned around into a wild experience. We had met up with a couple a the party that we had met once before over dinner. As the party went on, we wound up dancing with them. Unfortunately, the guy was a little too aggressive. I could see it in Mrs Osa’s face that she was uncomfortable. We excused ourselves from them. At that point, we figured we’d end the night the two of us in our room. We decided to check out the “party floor” of the hotel first. There, we ran into a couple we had connected with earlier in the night. They invited us into a room with them and another couple we had met before. We said “fuck it!” and went along. Suddenly we were in our very first, multi couple experience. Very fun night after all!
We’ve also traveled for a party. We went to Vegas for “Dirty Vegas” one year. Very cool experience. The party size was beyond anything we had experienced before, but we had a hard time connecting with anyone. As Mrs. Osa has already mentioned, we’re shy at first. She did a fantastic job coming out of her comfort zone to connect with people, but it was tough. Most people were already part of their own crowd. It was a blast, but not the swinging fun we had hoped. People seemed to want to party until 4am before even starting any play. Couple that with our jet lag, and we had no hope of getting into any play.
For our absolute worst experience, I have to go way back to the very beginning. It was our first hotel party. We met up with a couple we had met on our very first club visit. We knew so little back then and there were so many red flags we didn’t know to pay attention to. As we wound towards play, she broke down and confided in Mrs. Osa that she was only doing this to save their marriage. She asked if it would be ok if just the girls played and the guys stayed with their own wives. We should have run screaming, but we were so new. She agreed. Well, the message never got to the guy in the couple, or he ignored it. He immediately pushed past the boundary. We had to cut the evening short, grab our clothes and get the hell out of their room. We left her crying and him burying his head on the bed. Man… we learned many lessons on that one! Luckily, 4 years on and that remains an extreme outlier.
What makes a great LS event?
Mrs. – The people!! Yes, a good venue and good music help a lot. But when I think of the best parties it is because of the people we met, connections we made and the great experience from that. I’ve been know to go into my “happy bubble” and really only notice what is going on in the group of people I am with. I’m not trying to shut other people out, I’m just having an awesome time dancing with the people we are with.
Music would be a really close second!! The music can make a party as well!!
What is your favourite sex position and why?
that’s a tough one, depends on my mood. However I’ll never turn down rope play- just sayin 😉 Though, we rarely included that in lifestyle play. Takes a lot of trust.
FF play connection doesn’t always happen for us, but when it does, I’m partial to a full swap while the women continue to play in any way. Very hot!
For a FFM, I LOVE taking a woman from behind while she’s going down on the other woman. Absolutely mind blowing!
Do you have any resources or recommendations for people in the LS to check out? (Blogs, Posts, Articles, Sites, Books, Podcasts etc)
I mean, I have to plug Reddit. The subreddit r/swingers has exploded over the past couple years expanding 4 fold in subscriptions since we first checked it out. It’s an open, anonymous forum to discuss the lifestyle. It generates some great threads. There’s a core group of veterans that hang out in there and many newbies stumble into it to ask about getting started.
We’ve also created a new subreddit called r/monogamish. The aim of that one is to accumulate good information and resources in its “wiki”. Other members can contribute additions or corrections and discuss all things lifestyle on the open forum. It’s just getting off the ground. This is actual my first public mention of it. Please join us over there!